blah. boys are stupid.

is it totally weird that i write on here when no one will ever see it and it doesnt even matter? ha. oh well.

i always feel weird writing on here.. like im talking to someone when in reality im talking to myselfff ... weird
but just trying to get things off my chest here and hopefully out of my thoughts.

anyways back to topic. BOYS SUCK.
i honestly wish i could just forget about the past and just move on and find something else. its hard to sit around and not know what could be happening 4 hours away from me. is it cuz i dont trust him? or i dont trust myself? should i even be stressing over this .. bc i mean technically .. were not even together. ughhh who even knows what we are. everyday i ask myself and i can never come up with a complete answer. everyday someone asks me "why dont you just date already?" how do i answer that when i dont know the answer myself. well .. i guess i kind of do .. but i dont. we were supposed to go out and have fun in college. which i guess i can kind of say i have. but nothing can compare to the times weve had. we werent even technically supposed to be anything. ugh idk.

i know hes having fun .. which is what i wanted at the beginning bc who wants to be the girl who stopped him from living up his college years. i thought it would be so easy to come out here and forget. but .. i guess absence makes the heart grow fonder? haha sogay idk. are we even anything? idkk .. i guess you can look at it from both sides. we are and we arent. the most confusing thing of my life. we both have fun and we both go out .. but at the same time we both get upset when either one of us does something with someone else. is that wrong? am i wrong? maybe im just too far into this than i wanted to be.

who even knows what he thinks about this situation. im too scared to ask him. what if its not what i want to hear? im too scared. i know the kind of guy he is. i know what hes capable of .. i know him inside and out. which is what scares me the most. he can break me down with one word. he knows wht irks me and he knows my weakest points. but i also know that hes very easily distracted. especially when under the influence. which is 247 in college. how am i supposed to trust that? hes done it before. broken my trust. and i wasnt even 4 hours away. i cant do it again. im too scared. but isnt that what being in a relationship is all about? trusting the other person even though they have the power to tear everything down in a matter of seconds? i watched when in rome today .. and even though it was a comedy parts of it got me thinking. am i too scared to trust? should i keep my fear of getting hurt hold me back? ....

there are so many times when all i want to do is go back in time and redo all those times weve had together .. what would i have done differently? would i have done anything differently? was there something i could have said to make things not as hard as they are now? those memories are what keep us going. he even said it himself the other day. evrything reminds him of thigns .. of us. reliving those moments, as painful as it might be, remind us of what we had. and keeps those hopes alive that somethings still there. those countless conversations that went on for hours. or those hours when nothing was said and all we did was enjoy eachothers company. it hurts more than ever remembering all those things. because i know that those times are gone, and all i can do is sit and replay them in my head. the silliest things always remind me of him .. and bring me back to a time. from a song, someones shoes, or even a word can have all these memories rushing back .. is that even healthy? haha

there are times when i feel like im good. and i can handle myself and that maybe im actually over it. i force myself not to text him. force myself not to creep the big book haha but it seems at those times. the times when im trying my hardest to be okay is the times when he decides to just come back in and pull me back. hell send me a text, call me to talk for hours about absolutely nothing when hes bored or to wake me up for my class, or play our game, its those moments when those stupid butterflies come back, the memories and feelings all come rushing back and a stupid smile is slapped on my face. and i let it. how come when all i want is to hear from him, i dont. and when i try not to think about him, he pops right back up. but its then that i realize that its those little things those times that let me know that i know im on his mind that he thought of me .. that im not pushed to the back of his mind like i feared, or like what i was trying to do to him. and it makes me feel good. it makes me happy and gives me hope.

maybe im just crazy.

and even though i wont admit it to anyone.
to be with him is all i want.

thoughts

have you ever been so sure but so confused at the same time?

have you ever wanted something so bad but was too scared to do anything about it?

just some thoughts..

i just cant get hurt again.

kind of lonely

i remember all the late night talks and all the words i was comfortable saying to him, but i never would have been able to say to anyone else. i remember all the songs that take me back and make me smile. i remember all the moments he took my breath away. i remember the games we played because we talked so much we couldn’t think of anything to say. i miss you.

whoops

so ive been so busy with this whole college business. so i havent had time to write on here with those letter things. but i kind of am on this journey i guess lol to find myself and so i thought id come back.
so ill write more than one letter on here.

letter 1; PARENTS.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you so much for everything you do for me. im so very truly lucky to have parents
like you in my like and even though i dont show it all the time i am very greatful.
i know that both of you would give up everything for me to be happy. and thank you for that. you two are the best parents i could ever ask for. i love you.
Nikki

letter 2;YOUR DREAMS.
Dear Dreams,
I really wish you would stop seeming so real. and i really wish you would stop
throwing a certain somewhere in the mix all the time. its getting kind of bad for me.
and its such a let down when i wake up. but thanks for being a get away from the real
world.
Love,
Veronicca

DAY 2 - YOUR CRUSH

Dear Sir,

ahhh .. its weird .. weve been through alot from being best friends to being with eachother and then not talking and then being friends again .. look at us now. i like cant go a day without talking to you .. or hanaging out with you. haha ive already written a letter to you down there in the last entry so idunno what else to say.
but i wish i wasnt leaving .. mmmm <3

DAY 1 - your best friend

i saw this thing where you have to write a letter to a person everyday and i thought it would be a good idea and a fun thing to do while bumming around the house soo here we gooo

i cant say i have more than one bestfriend soooo .. (:

well work left to right here haha

Dear Kashif,

blahhh what can i say to you kashit-hole. haha youve literally become my brother. its crazy how close weve gotten in the past few months. weve spent literally almost everyday for the summer and its such a bummer that i have to dip out so soon .. blahh alright im not tryna get all weird and mushy on here but i love you bruva thanks for always being there (:

love,

caca

Dear Germain,

germysssss youre my hermanita and i know i can trust on you for anything. youre always down to get wild but at the same time you can chill out with me and i love how we laugh at absolutely anything and everything for the longest time. youre the most down to earth chickadee that i know and you always have an open ear when i need someone to bitch to. i love you my hermanita<3

love,

cacahuate

Dear Tanya,

tany, youve been my bestfriend for years. actually youve been one of the most constant and weird as it may seem most stable friendship that i have .. youre always there for me when i need someone to cry to. but even better youre always there when i need a laugh. your smile, your personality, your laugh they always put me in a better mood (: i love you.

love,

vee

Dear Karina,

haha kaykay .. weve been through alot of ups and downs. but youre a personi know i can count on. weve known eachother for 4 years but it feeels like longer. youve become my sister and weve been through a lot of changes. weve gone through different groups of friends and went a few years without talking but weve made up now and i can say that i am truly greatful that youre back in my life and im so happy that even though things have changed in our lives since we first met one thing that hasnt changed is our friendship, youre still the same good old goofy ass karina that i can always count on. <3

love,

vebreezy

Dear Danny,

ahh dandan. weve been through alot yes? haha .. but its crazy where weve ended up. youre a crazy one always down to do anything and everything. i love how youre always down to take me to get ice cream when we have nothing better to do or take me to get a donut at one in the morning. weve both made some mistakes when it comes to our friendship but im glad that weve come as far as we have .. who would have thought huh? thanks for forgiving me for being a dumbass. <3>

love,

veronigga<3

<33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

HERE WE GOOOO

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

blah

here's a question ..
is it easier to be friends with someone than cut them out completely?

ughh the world sucks. you think you find someone new .. someone
you completely connect with. you go through so much with them ..
just to have them completely screw you over in the end ..


man .. the truth is .. all you really have is yourself ..

another question.
whats the point of trusting someone with your feelings and EVERYTHING else
when they throw it all away like its completely nothing.

im just hurting ..