i saw them together for the first time

i think my heart broke even more .









god this sucks .

bye bye summer 09

so this is it .. the end of summer .. this summer has definitely had its ups and downs .
and i can honestly say that over the past two months .. ive definitely mellowed out and and have pretty much matured all together .. ive learned a lot about myself and about others . ive learned its hard to trust others and that when you do you cant trust your whole self with one person .
ive definitely been broken this summer . actually ive been broken and beaten while i was down .
it was one of the hardest things for me to go through . and it still is . slowly but surely it will get easier . there are those days when things get hard and i still feel like breaking down . but i remember talking to my favorite little fortune cookie , my very own therapist , and all the things that she said . i even saved some of our convos on the computer just so i could read them while im down .
Nicole Roque : just know it was because you werent good enough
Nicole Roque : youre more than good enough .

Nicole Roque : its true that sometimes you have to go through the hardest lessons in order for us to feel true happiness when we find it.
Nicole Roque : the greatest revenge is happiness

thanks nicole . you helped a lot on those late lonely nights. well .. late here bc of the time difference ..
things are defiitely hard right now . but i have faith that one guy will come along . and hell be the one to treat me right and be the one to make me feeel beautiful inside and out (:

anyways .. on to better things
JULY 11 2009 - AUGUST 11 2009
best month of my lifee . ive spent all this time with my trio and i wouldnt have had it any other way (: we did so much . from bumming around to shopping karaoke-ing and camping san fran and nicoles birthday. woooow looking back we did a lot . you girls are honestly the best. youre both the most chill most everything girls ever . without you guys .. i think i would have gone crazy this summer . you both kept me together . and you both helped me grow as a person . and i miss you guys like crazy .. thank god for skype (:
haha .

well this is it . summers coming to a close .. its cutting close to midnight .. 1121 to be exact so i better finish this now lol

senior year is upon us now . and i have a feeeling this year is going to be crazy .
positive : finish this year and its peace out chicago hopefully .

soo thanks summer .
even though youve dealt me some bad cards .. ive learned so much and ive grown . and even through all those bad times ive had the best times (: and ill never forget them .
its been good . the best actually .
alright peace out summer .
there will never be another one like it .

....

Sometimes, I wonder how he could have lied all that time; how he could look me in the eyes and tell me he cared about me, knowing he didn't. Then, I wonder why I didn't see it. I have never believed someone as much as I believed you. I never want to be that blind again. but still .. i care about him .. Because, even though he hurt me, and he made me cry, and yeah, I'll admit he lead me on, I still like him. I still want him with everything I can muster up and I believe that must mean something.


dear asshole.
leave me alone .

dear heart.
stop caring.

sogay.

hmmm .. late night rambles or early morning thoughts ..

hmmmmm ... i dont really know what to do ..
its like 12 here in chicagooo ..
and i cant sleep ... yet again ..
everytime i try to sleep i just lay there and think ..
and it just makes me stay awake ... forever .
until i finally knock out prbly around 4 ... then i just sleep the day away
soo i thought maybe i should just put my thoughts down somewhereee
and so here i am ...

hmmm
so today was book pickup at school ..

*sigh* school is slowly but surely finding its way back into my life ... what.a.bummer.
i have to remind myself to write my goobye letter to summer ..
haha sounds gay i know ..
but its a thing ive been doing sinceee .. middle school .
i write down all the things that i did that summer and all the things ive learned during summer .
and then i have an end of the summer bonfire .. and i burn it . idk why i do it ... but its just something you do . ive always wished i saved copied of them .. so i can remember better but i never do .. so i thought maybe i should write it on here . and itll be saved forever .. haha
but thats for a later time ..

speaking of school . that brings me to another depressing topic lol
i have to talk to jerk of the year soon . bc we need to get our shit together for freshmen orientation ... *sigh* it really sucks .. bc even hearing his voice brings back memories ..
memories that i wish would stay away forever .. its been bothering me forever .. this feeling
of being rejected and not wanted . and the feeling of being lied to .. i think thats what keeps me up at night most .. the memories of him saying all these things to me .. was he just lying to me ?
stringing me along .. waiting for me to put all my trust in him .. to trust he wouldnt hurt me and what does he do ? .. not once but twice .. and with the same girl .. i guesss ill never learn .. i really did want to believe that he was different from everyone else .. the one who would change everythinggg .. and just give me that high school romance ive always wanted . but ive pretty much given that dream up seeing as i have only a year left in high school and everyone sucks ..
he didnt suck at first though .. he was everything and more .. sweet smart didnt party too much . and he genuinely cared for me .. well at least i hope so . i hope he wasnt lying when he said all those incredibly sweet things to me .. sometimes when he decides to call me at night .. i really want to answer and just hope the same goofy dorky caring boy that i .. loved ? (idk) would be there .. and of course im disappointed everytime ..


thats it .
enough for my rambles .
off to try and sleep ...
hopefully i can sleep in peace now .
<3

who knew i wwould write in this thing so soon ..

i guess thats what happens when shit happens and you have no one else to talk to
you turn to online blogs ... great .

why must girls always cause so much drama ..
... even my own best friends ??
guess people really do change when youre gone for that long .

never have i ever ...
felt this alone beforee .

blah .

first blog everrrr

okay soooo ... not really sure whats going on or what the hell im doing sooo ..
yepppp ..
dont ask me how i named this or anything to do with this blog
haha i basically just put my itunes on shuffle and started playing songs
and named everything to the song that was playing ... haha
leeeets seee i was gna upload pictures from nicoles birthday but they seemed to have disappeard from my laptop ...

kbye