blah. boys are stupid.

is it totally weird that i write on here when no one will ever see it and it doesnt even matter? ha. oh well.

i always feel weird writing on here.. like im talking to someone when in reality im talking to myselfff ... weird
but just trying to get things off my chest here and hopefully out of my thoughts.

anyways back to topic. BOYS SUCK.
i honestly wish i could just forget about the past and just move on and find something else. its hard to sit around and not know what could be happening 4 hours away from me. is it cuz i dont trust him? or i dont trust myself? should i even be stressing over this .. bc i mean technically .. were not even together. ughhh who even knows what we are. everyday i ask myself and i can never come up with a complete answer. everyday someone asks me "why dont you just date already?" how do i answer that when i dont know the answer myself. well .. i guess i kind of do .. but i dont. we were supposed to go out and have fun in college. which i guess i can kind of say i have. but nothing can compare to the times weve had. we werent even technically supposed to be anything. ugh idk.

i know hes having fun .. which is what i wanted at the beginning bc who wants to be the girl who stopped him from living up his college years. i thought it would be so easy to come out here and forget. but .. i guess absence makes the heart grow fonder? haha sogay idk. are we even anything? idkk .. i guess you can look at it from both sides. we are and we arent. the most confusing thing of my life. we both have fun and we both go out .. but at the same time we both get upset when either one of us does something with someone else. is that wrong? am i wrong? maybe im just too far into this than i wanted to be.

who even knows what he thinks about this situation. im too scared to ask him. what if its not what i want to hear? im too scared. i know the kind of guy he is. i know what hes capable of .. i know him inside and out. which is what scares me the most. he can break me down with one word. he knows wht irks me and he knows my weakest points. but i also know that hes very easily distracted. especially when under the influence. which is 247 in college. how am i supposed to trust that? hes done it before. broken my trust. and i wasnt even 4 hours away. i cant do it again. im too scared. but isnt that what being in a relationship is all about? trusting the other person even though they have the power to tear everything down in a matter of seconds? i watched when in rome today .. and even though it was a comedy parts of it got me thinking. am i too scared to trust? should i keep my fear of getting hurt hold me back? ....

there are so many times when all i want to do is go back in time and redo all those times weve had together .. what would i have done differently? would i have done anything differently? was there something i could have said to make things not as hard as they are now? those memories are what keep us going. he even said it himself the other day. evrything reminds him of thigns .. of us. reliving those moments, as painful as it might be, remind us of what we had. and keeps those hopes alive that somethings still there. those countless conversations that went on for hours. or those hours when nothing was said and all we did was enjoy eachothers company. it hurts more than ever remembering all those things. because i know that those times are gone, and all i can do is sit and replay them in my head. the silliest things always remind me of him .. and bring me back to a time. from a song, someones shoes, or even a word can have all these memories rushing back .. is that even healthy? haha

there are times when i feel like im good. and i can handle myself and that maybe im actually over it. i force myself not to text him. force myself not to creep the big book haha but it seems at those times. the times when im trying my hardest to be okay is the times when he decides to just come back in and pull me back. hell send me a text, call me to talk for hours about absolutely nothing when hes bored or to wake me up for my class, or play our game, its those moments when those stupid butterflies come back, the memories and feelings all come rushing back and a stupid smile is slapped on my face. and i let it. how come when all i want is to hear from him, i dont. and when i try not to think about him, he pops right back up. but its then that i realize that its those little things those times that let me know that i know im on his mind that he thought of me .. that im not pushed to the back of his mind like i feared, or like what i was trying to do to him. and it makes me feel good. it makes me happy and gives me hope.

maybe im just crazy.

and even though i wont admit it to anyone.
to be with him is all i want.