hmmmmm ... i dont really know what to do ..
its like 12 here in chicagooo ..
and i cant sleep ... yet again ..
everytime i try to sleep i just lay there and think ..
and it just makes me stay awake ... forever .
until i finally knock out prbly around 4 ... then i just sleep the day away
soo i thought maybe i should just put my thoughts down somewhereee
and so here i am ...
hmmm
so today was book pickup at school ..
*sigh* school is slowly but surely finding its way back into my life ... what.a.bummer.
i have to remind myself to write my goobye letter to summer ..
haha sounds gay i know ..
but its a thing ive been doing sinceee .. middle school .
i write down all the things that i did that summer and all the things ive learned during summer .
and then i have an end of the summer bonfire .. and i burn it . idk why i do it ... but its just something you do . ive always wished i saved copied of them .. so i can remember better but i never do .. so i thought maybe i should write it on here . and itll be saved forever .. haha
but thats for a later time ..
speaking of school . that brings me to another depressing topic lol
i have to talk to jerk of the year soon . bc we need to get our shit together for freshmen orientation ... *sigh* it really sucks .. bc even hearing his voice brings back memories ..
memories that i wish would stay away forever .. its been bothering me forever .. this feeling
of being rejected and not wanted . and the feeling of being lied to .. i think thats what keeps me up at night most .. the memories of him saying all these things to me .. was he just lying to me ?
stringing me along .. waiting for me to put all my trust in him .. to trust he wouldnt hurt me and what does he do ? .. not once but twice .. and with the same girl .. i guesss ill never learn .. i really did want to believe that he was different from everyone else .. the one who would change everythinggg .. and just give me that high school romance ive always wanted . but ive pretty much given that dream up seeing as i have only a year left in high school and everyone sucks ..
he didnt suck at first though .. he was everything and more .. sweet smart didnt party too much . and he genuinely cared for me .. well at least i hope so . i hope he wasnt lying when he said all those incredibly sweet things to me .. sometimes when he decides to call me at night .. i really want to answer and just hope the same goofy dorky caring boy that i .. loved ? (idk) would be there .. and of course im disappointed everytime ..
thats it .
enough for my rambles .
off to try and sleep ...
hopefully i can sleep in peace now .
<3
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